My Painting Idea
I initially had a different idea for this painting. I had a sketch I made on the windows app Sketchbook and I had planned to make it a mixed media painting similar to one I had done in the past of Shiva.
I started painting although I didn’t want to paint. I’ve spent the past month not into art. This was just an attempt to get back into painting since I knew I enjoyed it. I was just dealing with being depressed.
I realize now I didn’t even bring my sketch with me to my “workspace”. My workspace is counter space in the kitchen. There’s a lot of counter space down there. My “workspace” moves around the house a lot.
I started painting but I couldn’t concentrate. I had this anger I’ve been trying to suppress for a while. I tried to calm myself down, tell myself I was being irrational, breath, count to 10, but I couldn’t. I usually couldn’t nowdays. I also tried to meditate in the past and I could never bring myself to silence my mind or let my thoughts just flow by as temporary things.
Some Back Story on Why
Let’s go back a few days. I was listening to a shit load of audio books because I was desperately trying to distract myself from my emotions. I rarely retained anything from any of them. I was listening to a book which said something that resonated with me. I didn’t really like the book in its entirety but it did say one thing that resonated; a lot of the bullshit we are now has to do with traumatic things that happened in the past which we chose to develop coping techniques rather than deal with it. The advice after that was garbage but it did remind me to be compassionate with myself and the times I caught myself being a bullshit person.
I reflected on the idea that I was not an introvert, although the energy of other people does leave me drained. I reflected on the idea that I suppress my intuition because most people don’t comprehend how intuitive my soul is. I did a lot of reflecting. I looked at the exact moments that caused me to develop coping mechanism that hindered my progress.
That didn’t quite take away this anger & resentment I kept harvesting.
The Master Piece & Painting Meaning
While I was trying to start on this ideal painting of Shiva/monk/buddha I just really didn’t feel like using technique. I didn’t feel like trying to be perfect, or nice, or acceptable, or ideal. I just wanted it to be what it was. You can hurt, hate, be sad, etc. That shit is normal. We’re human. Shit isn’t perfect. Life begins with suffering. You grow because of suffering. Sometimes suffering fucks you up but you become self-aware, forgive yourself, love and understand yourself, and you keep it moving. When you know better you do better. When you flow with the energy it’s easier to manipulate and manuever it. When you understand why you do what you do… you can forgive people without them ever apologizing or realizing the type of toxic person/people they are. You love you some you so you just… love yourself.
Even when you can’t om, there’s om there in all the bullshit.